Should we ignore the sacred pain of loss?

The pain of separation is a something that is a natural part of the lived experience of every person, for God has endowed us with feelings and emotions for us to experience. Mary and Martha suffered at the passing of their brother (John 11:19), and when the Lord Christ saw them in pain, He wept (John 11:35), thus sharing in their pain.

The eulogy delivered by St. Ambrose at the funeral of his younger brother Satyrus reveals just how tender were the saint’s feelings for his very beloved brother: “But I would rather moderate the grief than alter the affection, that the longing may rather be assuaged than lulled to sleep … this discourse has been undertaken, as it were, for the sake of accompanying him, that I might follow in affection him departing, and embrace in mind him whom I see with my eyes. For it gives me pleasure to fix the whole gaze of my eyes on him, to encompass him with kindly endearments; while my mind is stupefied, and I feel as though he were not lost whom I am able still to see present; and I think him not dead, my services to whom I do not as yet perceive to be wanting, services to which I had devoted the whole of my life and the drawing of every breath.”¹¹⁸⁰

He returned a week after his brother’s death, preaching, and the message of his opening words was completely different to that of the day of the funeral: “I indulged my longing to some extent, lest too sharp remedies applied to a burning wound might rather increase than assuage the pain.”¹¹⁸¹

Similarly, St. Augustine left us his overwhelming feelings on the day of the passing of his mother, St. Monica, which he describes in his Confessions : “I pressed her eyes closed, and a huge wave of sorrow flooded my heart and flowed outward in tears, yet at the same time my eyes, under the forceful command of the mind, repressed their flow until they were quite dry. In such a struggle, I felt very bad … For, we did not think it appropriate to mark this funeral with sorrowful tears and ejaculations: that was the usual custom in mourning the unhappy lot of the dead, or their complete extinction. But, she did not die unhappily, nor did she die altogether.”¹¹⁸²

St. Jerome writes to Paula , asking her not to be overly grieved by the death of Blæsilla: “Certainly, now that we have believed in Christ, and bear Him within us, by reason of the oil of His anointing which we have received (1 John 2:27), we ought not to depart from His temple — that is, from our Christian profession — we ought not to go forth to mingle with

1180 St. Ambrose of Milan, On the Decease of His Brother Satyrus 1.14 (NPNF II/10:163).

1181 St. Ambrose of Milan, On the Decease of His Brother Satyrus 2.1 (NPNF II/10:174).

1182 St. Augustine of Hippo, Confessions 9.12.29 (FOTC 21:255–256).

the unbelieving Gentiles, but always to remain within, as servants obedient to the will of the Lord.”¹¹⁸³

Perhaps one of the most beautiful teachings St. Macrina imparted to her brother St. Gregory of Nyssa before her death was the idea of the exultant heavenly life as a characteristic of the spiritual person. In their conversations together, they remembered their brother St. Basil the Great, who had passed away some years earlier. St. Gregory was deeply affected and his tears started flowing. However, she did not fall apart before his sadness; but rather diverted the conversation about their brother to one about heavenly wisdom. She lifted the heart of her brother the bishop from mere memories to fervent desire for the exalted life. She remained composed, despite her weak emaciated body, and told him that it is not appropriate for us to grieve for those who have fallen asleep as do those who have no hope. She hid her sighs and her shortness of breath to turn to the bright and joyful side of the matter. She spoke to him and answered his questions. St. Gregory says, “my soul seemed to be almost outside of human nature, uplifted as it were by her words and set down inside the heavenly sanctuaries by the guidance of her discourse.”¹¹⁸⁴

St. Gregory wrote a treatise describing his dialogue with her, which he introduces by saying: “Basil, great amongst the saints, had departed from this life to God; and the impulse to mourn for him was shared by all the churches. But his sister the Teacher was still living; and so I journeyed to her, yearning for an interchange of sympathy over the loss of her brother. My soul was right sorrow-stricken by this grievous blow, and I sought for one who could feel it equally, to mingle my tears with. But when we were in each other’s presence the sight of the Teacher awakened all my pain; for she too was lying in a state of prostration even unto death. Well, she gave in to me for a little while, like a skilful driver, in the ungovernable violence of my grief; and then she tried to check me by speaking, and to correct with the curb of her reasonings the disorder of my soul. She quoted the Apostle’s words about the duty of not being ‘grieved for them that sleep’; because only ‘men without hope’ have such feelings.”¹¹⁸⁵

As a compassionate mother, the Church shares the feelings of those who are in pain. The priests, deacons, and congregation all share the pain of the bereaved family, expressing this shared pain through the melodies that are sung in the funeral rite. But they are melodies that radiate consolation and hope. As the apostle Paul says, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will also bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus” (1 Thess. 4:13–14).

In 374 A. D., it seems that Amphilochios, whose son had just died, blamed his cousin St. Gregory of Nazianzus for not reacting appropriately to his deeply felt grief. St. Gregory,

1183 St. Jerome, Letters 39.4 (NPNF II/6:52).

1184 St. Gregory of Nyssa, The Life of Saint Macrina , trans., Kevin Corrigan (Wipf and Stock, 2005): p. 35.

1185 St. Gregory of Nyssa, On the Soul and the Resurrection (NPNF II/5:429).

who was younger in age, then wrote to Amphilochios saying, “Are you grieving? I, of course, am full of joy! Are you weeping? I, as you see, am keeping festival and glorying in the present state of things! Are you grieved because your son is taken from you and promoted to honour on account of his virtue, and do you think it a terrible misfortune that he is no longer with you to tend your old age, and, as his custom is, to bestow on you all due care and service? But it is no grief to me that my father has left me for the last journey, from which he will return to me no more, and I shall never see him again! Then I for my part do not blame you, nor do I ask you for due condolence, knowing as I do that private troubles allow no leisure for those of strangers … you blame me, as I hear you do, and think that your son and my brother is neglected by us, or even betrayed by us, which is a still heavier charge; or that we do not recognize the loss which all his friends and relatives have suffered, and I more than all, because I had placed in him my hopes of life, and looked upon him as the only bulwark, the only good counsellor, and the only sharer of my piety … I was prevented from meeting you again by my grief, and the honour I owed my father, and his funeral, over which I could not give anything precedence … Now I beg you to put aside your grief, which is most unreasonable I am sure.”¹¹⁸⁶

The Christian concern with holy feelings of grief at the departure of loved ones is apparent from the letter written by St. Gregory of Nazianzus to St. Gregory of Nyssa to console him concerning Theosebia, whom he seems to have married before his ordination (though they lived celibately afterwards as siblings), although some believe Theosebia was just a deaconess who was well loved and known for her wisdom:¹¹⁸⁷ “I might admire your patience and philosophy (for I had heard of it) at the departure of your holy and blessed sister, as a good and perfect man, a minister of God, who knows better than any the things both of God and man; and who regards as a very light thing that which to others would be most heavy, namely to have lived with such a soul, and to send her away and store her up in the safe garners, like a shock of the threshingfloor gathered in due season (Job 5:26), to use the words of Holy Scripture; and that in such time that she, having tasted the joys of life, escaped its sorrows through the shortness of her life; and before she had to wear mourning for you, was honoured by you with that fair funeral honour which is due to such as she. I too, believe me, long to depart, if not as you do, which were much to say, yet only less than you. But what must we feel in presence of a long prevailing law of God which has now taken my Theosebia (for I call her mine because she lived a godly life; for spiritual kindred is better than bodily), Theosebia, the glory of the church, the adornment of Christ, the helper of our generation, the hope of woman; Theosebia, the most beautiful and glorious among all the beauty of the Brethren; Theosebia, truly sacred, truly consort of a priest, and of equal honour and worthy of the Great Sacraments, Theosebia, whom all future time shall receive, resting on immortal pillars, that is, on the souls of all who have known her now, and of all who shall be hereafter.

1186 St. Gregory of Nazianzus, Letters 63 (NPNF II/7:468).

1187 See Fr. Tadros Yacoub Malaty, St. Gregory, Bishop of Nyssa (Arabic) (1993): p. 12.

And do not wonder that I often invoke her name. For I rejoice even in the remembrance of the blessed one.”¹¹⁸⁸