Are there certain limits to the tears of sadness we shed over those who have departed?

The apostle Paul says, “I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope” (1 Thess. 4:13). St. Aphrahat says, “a sinner, while he is living, is dead unto God; and a righteous man, though dead, is alive unto God. For such death is a sleep, as David said, I lay down and slept, and awoke (Ps. 3:5). Again Isaiah said, They that sleep in the dust shall awake (Isa. 26:19). And our Lord said concerning the daughter of the chief of the synagogue, The damsel is not dead, but sleeping a slumber (Matt. 9:24). And concerning Lazarus, He said to His disciples:— Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go to waken him (John 11:11).”⁵⁶⁴ He describes the dead as those who have fallen asleep, because their souls enjoyed resurrection from the dead through their burial with the Lord Christ in baptism, so that death has no authority over them.

Since death is nothing but slumber, we ought not to grieve without hope for those who have fallen asleep, as though they were faithless. The Lord Christ wept when Mary fell at His feet saying, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died!” (John 11:32), and “the Jews said: See how he loved him” (John 11:36). But:

St. Ambrose says, “Not all weeping proceeds from unbelief or weakness. Natural grief is one thing, distrustful sadness is another, and there is a very great difference between

562 St. Ambrose of Milan, Commentary of St. Ambrose on the Gospel according to Saint Luke , trans., Ide M. Ni Riain (Dublin: Halcyon Press, 2001) 5.92: p. 147.

563 The Paradise of the Fathers, Volume 2 , trans. E. A. Wallis Budge (Seattle, Washington: St. Nectarios Press, 1984) 2.510: p. 254, amended.

564 St. Aphrahat, Selected Demonstrations 8.18 (NPNF II/13:381–382).

longing for what you have lost and lamenting that you have lost it. Not only grief has tears, joy also has tears of its own.”⁵⁶⁵

St. Basil the Great wrote to the Church of Parnassus, north of Cappadocia, assuring them that the apostle, with his words, does not mean to deprive us of our feelings towards those who have fallen asleep, but rather warns us against giving in to grief, saying, “I do not mean that we should be insensible to the loss we have suffered, but that we should not succumb to our sorrow.”⁵⁶⁶

Sirach says, “Weep bitterly and lament fervently; do your mourning according to what he deserves for a day or two to avoid slander; then be comforted for your grief. For grief is a cause of death, and a grief-stricken heart will sap your strength. Grief also abides in misery, and the life of a poor man weighs down his heart. Do not give your heart to grief; drive it away, remembering the end of life. Do not forget, for there is no coming back; and you cannot help the dead man by grieving, but will only injure yourself” (Sir. 38:17–21). Bitter weeping, here, refers to weeping with sincere feelings, as opposed to a merely external show of grief in front of others attending the funeral service. This sincerity is better even than lamentation — many benefit from inheriting from the deceased and therefore praise him, but not from the heart.

St. John Chrysostom says:

“Let not your soul be enfolded by the tyranny of grief. You are capable of governing your soul; the tempest is not greater than your skill.”

“Do not be depressed, for there is only one thing you ought to fear, and that is sin.”

“Look not, therefore, on the corpse, lying with closed eyes and speechless lips, but on the man that is risen, that has received glory unspeakable and amazing, and direct your thoughts from the present sight to the future hope. But do you miss his society, and therefore lament and mourn? Now is it not unreasonable, that, if you should have given your daughter in marriage, and her husband should take her to a distant country and should there enjoy prosperity, you would not think the circumstance a calamity, but the intelligence of their prosperity would console the sorrow occasioned by her absence; and yet here, while it is not a man, not a fellow servant, but the Lord Himself who has taken your relative, that you should grieve and lament?”⁵⁶⁷

“You may grieve and weep; but give not way to despondency, nor indulge in complaints. Give thanks to God, who has taken your friend, that you have the opportunity of honoring the departed one, and of dismissing him with becoming obsequies. If you sink under depression, you withhold honor from the departed, you displease God who has taken him,

565 St. Ambrose of Milan, On the Decease of His Brother Satyrus 1.10 (NPNF II/10:162).

566 St. Basil of Caesarea, Letters 62 (NPNF II/8:162).

567 W. W. Wiersbe, Treasury of the World’s Great Sermons (Kregel Academic & Professional, 1993): p. 131.

and you injure yourself; but if you are grateful, you pay respect to him, you glorify God, and you benefit yourself. Weep, as wept your Master over Lazarus, observing the just limits of sorrow, which it is not proper to pass. Thus also said Paul: ‘I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope’ (1 Thess. 4:13). Grieve, says he, ‘but not as the Greek, who has no hope for a resurrection, who despairs of a future life.’”⁵⁶⁸